Parlez-vous popular expressions from phrasebook?

Yesterday my lovely colleague gave me a bunch of guidebooks from her recent trip to Europe. This colleague is beyond wonderful because not only does she love Rihanna as much (if not more) than I, the Lonely Planet French Phrasebook (1ed, 1997) has bemused me greatly since it came into my hands.

Here are some things that I found interesting from dipping into this popular reference tool. Firstly, it instructs me on several very amusing but completely useless dated phrases. "Je voudrais achete une cassette audio?" (I probably don't need to buy a blank audiotape,  merci beaucoup, but can you tell me where I can get a micro-sim?)

Secondly, the phrasebook contains some common medical problems that I would be reluctant to mention to my local Friendly's Chemist, never mind the risk of being sneered at by a French pharmacist. "Je suis constipe!" you whisper, clutching your gut region. ("I am constipated after eating an entire wheel of brie and 2km of baguette! Help!") The Frenchy chemist of my imagination laughs in a derisive, Parisian manner and tells you to smoke more cigarettes and drink more coffee and take your whingeing back to whichever backwards swamp you crawled out of, before lighting un cigarette herself and resuming filing her nails.

There is a small (and I mean bijoux) text box devoted to swearing. Now, anyone who has ever engaged in conversation with me would be fully aware that I rely on expletives to pepper my language, and generally make me sound like a common woman who lacks both judgement and intellect. So I was disappointed to know that the most potent swearword that the LP French Phrasebook (1ed) can proffer is merde (shit). "Shit" is what I say when I drop a pencil and have to go 20cm out of my way to retrieve it under my desk. The kind of language I need in my arsenal for when I am looking for a cab in an unknown city to get me to an airport I can't pronounce in 40 minutes flat is entirely stronger. I need curse coaching.

And because I ultimately lack maturity, the section on Dating & Romance had me in fits of hysteria. I would die laughing if someone said to me in my native English 'You're a great lover. How was it for you?' HAHA LOLZ AS IF. No-one talks like that (except Tommy Wiseau) and I think the world is richer for it. This is why I find it amusing that the Dating & Romance section is concluded with the hugely useful phrase Ne ris pas! Je suis serieux/seriuse. (Don't laugh, I'm not kidding.)